Steak vs Stake
by Venussail
Summary: You know what they say about assumptions... and Spike is about to find out firsthand.  Spike/Xander slash.  Rating for language purposes.


A/N: Moshi moshi, mina! All of you were probably thinking I was dead, but I am pleased to inform you that is not the case. I'm FINALLY in college and between the prep for getting in, being in, work, and my new relationship, I haven't had a whole lot of time on my hands. It also doesn't help that my muse seemed to take an extended vacation for the past few months :P. On the bright side, I'm back and (hopefully) better than ever! Quick dissertation about this fic- I've wanted to write a story in this fandom for a while now, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this pairing. I'm going to keep it short, due in part to the fact that I'm trying to get back into the swing of things and also because in my opinion humor that's dragged out has the potential to get old really fast. Anyway, enough of my blabbering, on with the fic!

Disclaimer: I do not own the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series or any of the characters within it. I just like to use the characters as my playthings.

Steak vs Stake

Spike, otherwise known as William the Bloody, had had a bad run of days as of late. For some unknown reason, there had been an uprising of wannabe slayers running amuck trying to kill off vampires. Most of them don't last overly long since they lack the strength, endurance, etc. of an ACTUAL slayer, which would usually amuse Spike. However, since he can't partake in any of the killing of these idiots due to that damned chip in his head, he's more frustrated than amused. To top it all off, he's appalled at the fact that he has the potential to be dusted by a lucky amateur who somehow managed to pin him down and drive a wooden stake through his heart because he can't fight back.

Tonight was yet another night of playing keep away with wannabe slayers and Spike was getting tired of this charade. He was supposed to be one of the most fearsome vampires out there, having killed two, count them TWO slayers, and here he was running away from normal humans looking like a coward. He has a reputation to uphold here! Feeling low, Spike finally headed home, tired and hungry (he had originally gone out to see if there were any random human corpses lying around that hadn't been sucked dry of blood yet).

-Scene Change-

Spike dragged himself through the front door of the apartment he and Xander shared and was greeted with a warm "Hey" from his lover, who sounded like he was in the kitchen. He uttered a depressing sounding "Hey…" in return and flopped on the couch in the living room. He was in such a bad mood that he didn't even bother turning on the television, instead opting to massage his head and wish all of this wannabe slayer nonsense away. Xander had peered out from the entryway to the kitchen when he heard the tone of the vampire's voice and upon seeing him skip his usual television routine, decided he should go see what was up.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he placed a kiss on the cold lips of his boyfriend and sat down next to him.

Hesitating a bit, Spike replied, "Friggin' wannabe slayers ruinin' my reputation…" Looking at Xander, he added, "I'm still scary, you know. Don't you get any ideas about me bein' some sort of poofter who runs away 'cause he's scared or some shit like that. I'm still stronger than you."

The teen laughed. "Of course, you're William the Bloody, the Big Bad Wolf of a vampire! Fee fi fo fum!" he said with exaggerated hand gestures.'

Spike glared. "I'm gettin' the feelin' that you're makin' fun of me…"

"Haha, relax, man, I was just kidding. Yes, I'm aware that you're still one of the most badass vampires out there, one to be feared and respected by both vampires and humans alike, yada yada yada."

Seemingly satisfied with this response, Spike dropped his glare.

"Hey! I know what will make you feel better!" Xander gleefully exclaimed slapping the vampire's arm.

"What?"

"A steak."

Spike was taken aback. How, after everything, could his so-called boyfriend, lover, and (Spike was hoping he be one day at least), MATE, possibly think to dust him. Filled with rage, he stood up and let Xander have it.

"A STAKE? After this shitty week I've had, the number of times I've saved your ass, the number of times I've FUCKED your ass- no, made LOVE to it, somethin' I never did for another human I might add- and the courting I did to GET you and ass, you would actually try and drive a stake through my fuckin' heart?"

The teen just stared at him wide eyed for a few minutes before breaking out in a fit of uncontrolled laughter.

"What's so damned funny?" Spike said, about ready to leave and destroy some nature to relieve his boiling anger.

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Xander replied, "I didn't mean steak as in wooden steak, I meant it as in the big, juicy corpse of a cow that you like to eat raw so you can sop up all the blood like it was gravy or something."

_Well, don't I feel like a nitwit… _Spike thought as he muttered a quick apology, earning him another chuckle and kiss from his boyfriend.

"Now, how about that steak?"

"Would love some, luv."

A/N: Yay! Done! I hope you all found it amusing. I would love any feedback, good or bad- it will inspire me to write more often! ^_^ That's it for now. Don't forget to R&R please! Ja ne!


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